Memoriile lui "x"

What happened?

2009-03-23T22:38:00.002+02:00

What happened to the days when having fun meant kicking a ball around with your friends? What happened to the days when war meant playing around with wooden swords and shields, when being rich meant having a chocolate, when having a girlfriend meant holding a girls hand for 5 seconds, when being bad meant staying up too late at night or not finishing the food your mother carefully prepared for you?

It feels like as time passes, people tend to get meaner and meaner... It's not about childhood innocence, it's about the society in which we live in.

It's all so confusing to me... I don't get what makes a man so greedy, so evil... when we are all the same as children.

All but divine

2009-03-20T21:12:00.002+02:00

Have you ever felt like an animal, trapped in a cage? That's how I feel everyday.
We are nothing but animals...having a big brain doesn't make us any better than dogs or any animal for that matter. We are in a constant rush to fulfill our needs: having a roof over our heads, eating, drinking, sleeping, fucking etc.

I want to stop being an animal... I want to find that little thing inside me that makes me different from a chimp, if it exists (it's certainly not my DNA seeing as we share 97,5% of our DNA with chimps).

I'm searching for my soul, the divine spark, the only thing that makes me divine... My soul is trapped inside, while I'm distracted by all the things that bring out the animal in me... It's trapped and it wants me to find it again... NO MORE DISTRACTIONS!

O, fortuna

2009-03-03T21:14:00.000+02:00

O Fortuna
velut luna
statu variabilis,
semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurate
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

Sors immanis
et inanis,
rota tu volubilis,
status malus,
vana salus
semper dissolubilis,
obumbrata
et velata
michi quoque niteris;
nunc per ludum
dorsum nudum
fero tui sceleris.

Sors salutis
et virtutis
michi nunc contraria,
est affectus
et defectus
semper in angaria.
Hac in hora
sine mora
corde pulsum tangite;
quod per sortem
sternit fortem,
mecum omnes plangite!

----------------------

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
ever waxing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as fancy takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice.

Fate - monstrous
and empty,
you whirling wheel,
you are malevolent,
well-being is vain
and always fades to nothing,
shadowed
and veiled
you plague me too;
now through the game
I bring my bare back
to your villainy.

Fate is against me
in health
and virtue,
driven on
and weighted down,
always enslaved.
So at this hour
without delay
pluck the vibrating strings;
since Fate
strikes down the string man,
everyone weep with me!

An usual day

2009-03-03T19:46:00.004+02:00

The alarm rings. x wakes up and looks around staggered. He realizes it was just a dream… he gets up, washes his face and looks in the mirror... he doesn’t like what he sees; he doesn’t know the person staring back at him, but that’s just part of his daily routine. School starts in an hour so he has to get ready. “Put on a brave face”, he says. “Today might be the day!”. Lying to himself is a big part of x’s routine.

He gets dressed, shuts down his PC and gets ready to brave whatever fate has in stored for him for the day. The flimsy door is the only thing that keeps him safe from the outside world.

- Everything will be alright… you have nothing to fear.

- Uhm… are you sure?

- Well what could possibly happen?

- I guess you’re right.

x carefully opens the door and takes his first step of the day. He lights a cigarette while he walks to the bus stop, checking his reflection in every car on the way… the stranger is still there. His lungs hurt and he tries to remember why he started smoking in the first place. The moment the tries to dig into his past x’s mind is flooded with unwanted memories so he stops.

- Stop doing that!

- But I want to remember…

- You don’t have to remember anything. That’s in the past, it’s not relevant. Time passes by, learn to accept it.

- I’ll figure out a way to fix time.

x observes the people on the bus. He likes to imagine he’s living their lives… even if it’s just for as long the bus ride lasts.

x finally arrives at his destination, a place where he’s supposed to feel competitive, motivated to better himself. x never felt this way. He says hello to his colleagues and finds a suitable place to spend the next hours. He understands why time passes by so slowly but he takes conform at the thought of being back to safety soon.” It’s finally over!”.

He enjoys the way back home. He watches a movie, plays a game on the PC and finally gets some rest for the next day thinking “tomorrow might be the day…”.